Dear Jen,
Sometimes my partner and I feel SO different. Is this a workable thing? Should I be with someone that is more similar to me? I know our culture says, “Opposites Attract” but do they really?
Dear Opposites Attract,
My wife and I go to couples therapy. I know I have told you this, but I will go ahead and say it again because, you know, let’s continue to normalize couples therapy. Not in an Instagram Trending kind of way but in a real way that acknowledges that getting support in our intimate relationships is most often crucial. Our therapist frequently reminds Heathar and I how different we are. Sometimes I am annoyed by this and think she might be judging me (why are you with someone who is so different than you, Jen?!) And sometimes I appreciate the acknowledgment of our differences — it depends on my mood.
When my wife and I first met (2011), I tried to be like her in many ways. Perhaps this was because I admired her and she inspired me (true), perhaps it was my own addiction to feeling like I had to be the same as others to be loved (also true) or perhaps it was the cultural conditioning I grew up with as a woman that told me I needed to merge with others to belong (also real). I tired to study acupuncture like Heathar did. I started buying organic food and stopped eating vegetable oils. I started to work for myself due to Heather’s encouragement. I wanted to be like her but I also was attracted to her because we were different.
Heathar was grounded and stable (if anyone knew me at 26, you know I was not grounded and stable), she knew what she wanted and she was confident. She was committed and loyal, dedicated to many things from her Qi-Gong practice, to her sister, to me. She was also an amazing cook and I had NEVER had anyone make me a lamb roast before. She opened doors for me that I would never have walked through had I not met her. I like to think I did the same for her. I introduced her to Paul Simon and Joni Mitchell, Nina Simone and Otis Redding. I introduced her to watching movies that were not documentaries (yes, we can just watch movies for fun, they do not have to teach us something) and I taught her how to feel her emotions and speak them out loud.
It took years for Heathar and I to unravel from trying to be the same. I think there was an underlying belief (I can only speak for me) that if we were too different, we would stretch too far apart and the rubber band of our love would break. I wanted to stay close and staying close meant staying the same. We both studied astrology and Shamanism for a seven years when in actuality, Heathar never really wanted to be an astrologer. I tried to convince myself that I wanted to be an acupuncturist, massage therapist and other kinds of practitioners that focused on then physical health of the body. I believe this work is deeply important, but I eventually came to acknowledge that my interests have always been with the psychological, the emotional and the esoteric. Heathar and I began to branch out in a really beautiful way — she took over the physical world of healing nd I took over the emotional world so that now, our clients come to both of us for a holistic healing approach.
Differences are the essence of all and any relationship. Think about your best friends. Yes, you may share commonalities but there are also many places where you are very different. I have had best friends who were avid rock climbers and I have absolutely zero interest in this activity. In fact, it terrifies me. I have had best friends who loved pole dancing and I would break my neck in high heels. I have had best friends who like heavy metal which is a genre of music I cannot stand for one moment. My brother, who is one of my best friends, loves to surf and I absolutely do not have the upper body strength to paddle out into the ocean on a long board, let alone stand up on it when a wave comes. (I am seeing a trend here — I don’t love strenuous physical activities.) If we search our friendships and our relationships with our family, we will find a vast landscape of differences. For some reason, it is more acceptable to have differences outside of our erotic relationships. In erotic relationships, we put too much emphasis on “Twin Flaming” it and “Soul Mating” it. There is too much pressure to be one.
Where we have to be mindful of our differences in relationships, is when we come up against values systems that are drastically different.
For example:
I am bisexual and I am with someone who thinks that being queer is abnormal, wrong, pathological, etc
I deeply want children and I am with someone who absolutely does not want children
I must live by the ocean and I am with someone who must live in the desert
I am a devout Catholic and want to share my faith with my partner but they are not interested in Catholicism
A difference in core values is challenging. This is more than being different — it is a chasm in world views. It is difference in life goals and directions. These can play out as irreconcilable differences and when we stay in partnership with someone where these values clash, it can create more hardship than harmony. It may be better to start again with someone whose values align more closely with ours, someone who shares similar life visions and dreams.
Our differences are part of our individuation and differentiation process with our lovers. We begin by merging and falling in love but the majority of our relationship becomes about learning to love the ways we are different and what we need because of those differences. For example, I love musical theatre. Heathar does not, to put it mildly. I do not expect her to go to musical theatre shows with me (except once in a while) but I do absolutely expect her to know all the lyrics to the In The Heights soundtrack (and she is almost there). I don’t need Heathar to go to musical theatre shows with me but I need her to know that it is something that makes me happy because knowing that, means knowing me.
Some therapists say that being whole is our birthright and that we have everything we need inside of us to be whole. Perhaps the sentiment of this statement is that we are powerful and capable and we don’t need anyone else to “heal” us. Yes to that. But also, astrology…
Astrology Nerd Out Moment:
There are houses in everyone’s astrology chart that are blank and empty. When I am reading charts, I often find that where the blank houses are, the planets of other people in their lives, fill in those houses. We naturally and synchronistically hook up with others that complete out charts. Not because we’re not already whole, but because this is how magnetism works. We draw matter into empty spaces. Opposites attract.
Nerd Out Over…
The more we can get curious about the different feelings and thoughts of the ones we love, the longer it will keep our love alive and exciting. Libido thrives on the new, the different and the taboo. Libido needs friction. Libido deflates with sameness. The more we can keep talking about our differences — with our friends and with other couples — the more we give voice to something everyone is feeling. We are all wondering the same thing: ARE WE TOO DIFFERENT? The more we talk about it and share about, the more we suck the shame right out of it. I’m in. Are you?
I would love to hear about the differences you navigate in your partnership below.
Feel free to share, I’ll be right here listening.